After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
