just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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