I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
