Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
