Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
