I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
