Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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