I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
