I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Your cock deserves a montage
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
