he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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