Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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