i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
