just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
