I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
