Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
