I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
