I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
