Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
