I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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