so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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