I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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