My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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