true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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