News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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