Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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