Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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