how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
