just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Can Purell be used as lube?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
