I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
