Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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