My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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