I'm laying in your front yard are you home
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
