I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
