I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I didn't notice because vodka
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
