If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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