How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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