I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
