My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
