Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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