oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
