eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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