My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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