got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
