no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
