I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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