I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
