woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Randomize
