The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize