i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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