so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
