i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
