Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
