it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
