Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
