Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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