Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You ruined the universe
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
