I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
