It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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